He seemed like a good guy, so after graduation, I picked up my life, quit my job, and moved to Juneau. Right off the bat, there were red flags, but I didn’t see them. I got engaged instead. He was a big drinker, super insecure, jealous, and angry. I was so head over heels, and I clung to the toxicity thinking It’ll be an enemies to lovers story. But it was not. Slowly, he cut me off from my male friends, but he would convince me it was my idea. I would tell one of my family members about a fight we had, and suddenly I didn't go to my sister's graduation. I opened up to a female coworker and suddenly “I didn’t want to associate with trash” and I didn't work there anymore. He wormed his way into the tapestry of my brain, his thoughts were now my thoughts. My actions were now his. He owned every one of my thoughts, and would demand to know each one of them. If I had a flitting thought about another man being slightly attractive, he would have to know, and we would fight until 3am. We started calling them bad thoughts, and my own thoughts were now policed. I laughed at my male cousin's joke, so he yelled until 3am. I answered a stranger who was speaking to me, we fought until 3am. I didn’t give him enough attention on the space needle in Seattle, so he silently fought with me and made me cry. When the worker asked if I was ok, he gave me a look that said you better say you are. “I’m fine thank you,” I said. If I had a dream about kissing another man, he would be enraged until 3am and even my dreams were no longer my own. If I didn’t want to fight, there was no way out of it. I put my headphones on, he tore them off and threatened to snap them. I literally ran out the door and down the street one time, and he chased me with his car. He’d threaten to kill himself if I ever left him. He’d act so perfect around everyone I knew but they all saw through the facade until every single one of them was cut off. I had no job, no money, no friends, and no family I could turn to. So I was stuck in a vortex of walking on eggshells, trying not to trigger a fight, but everynight, relentlessly, we would be up until 3am. He would be screaming at me for completely normal thoughts and activities. Finally I said, “I’m going to break up with you if you don’t change,” and for a couple days he would change. He’d make me feel so bad for even mentioning it, but then the drinking and the fighting would pick up again. One time, I started to pack and he actually held his gun to his head. I was starting to feel unsafe. We lived in his parent's house but they would never intervene; they were just as bad. Another time I threatened to leave, and he went for a long drive. He called me over and over. When I didn't answer he texted me threatening to run himself off the road. One night I snapped and started packing, determined to leave this time for good. He started physically restraining me. He pinned me down on the bed and spit in my face. When I finally left his room with just enough stuff for the night he pushed me hard into the wall in front of his parents and said, “ you can’t drive you’ve been drinking,” and he looked to his parents for help. I only had a quarter of a beer an hour before and was completely sober, but they would never believe me over him. Eventually, I fought my way past him and into my truck. I drove way out the road and spent the night in my car, far away from him. I quickly found a bedroom in an apartment and stayed there for about three months. Without him, I felt lighter but empty, and when he kept sending me flowers and romantic letters, I started to believe him. Maybe he had changed. My living situation was horrible and awkward and I was running out of money. He promised me so many things. He was done drinking, he’d never hurt me again physically or emotionally, he was done smoking weed, he was gonna get a good job, we could move out of his parent's house, he’d fix everything. It was all a lie. I went back. It’s so easy to go back. Never go back. It was so perfect, like a fairytale, for a couple weeks, and then it all went south. My coworkers at that time honestly might have saved my life. They opened my eyes to just how bad he was. We had been living in an apartment downtown at the time, and the abuse just continued. They all told me to leave. My last straw, that certianly wasn't the worst straw, is when we were sneaking into a bar with his friends, and the power went out. We walked outside and we could see the stars from downtown. It was so beautiful with no light pollution. We went and sat on a bench with him and his friend and just started to have deep life conversations, staring at the stars. I started getting pissed-off looks from him. He told his friend we had to walk back home. So we started walking. I was in the middle of the two and he gripped my hand so hard and yanked me over to him. “STOP talking to him, you’re only supposed to talk to me,” he whispered angrily in my ear. After that we, of course, fought until 3am, and three days later I told him I was done and gave him my ring. He wouldn’t leave my couch. He started wearing a cross, quit drinking, quit smoking, and told me he would follow God and that would make him better for me. I didn’t believe it this time. To escape his constant pleas after a week, in the only way I knew, I found a guy on Tinder and stayed at his house. When I came back he was gone for good, and the angry text messages had turned the whole problem of the relationship on me and this one bad action I did at the end of it. I still feel so much guilt about everything I do to this day, and a few years later I still wake up in a sweat from nightmares of him. And in my current relationship I struggle with the idea that I am not in danger, even though my current partner is the sweetest and would never harm me in any way. My one piece of advice, is to look up the Power and Control Wheel, and study it. If anyone ever matches up with that, drop them before it gets worse.